Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Trail of Mononucleosis

Gossip reporter and 8th grade student Beth Wagner will occasionally be stopping in to offer up juicy items on your Pittsburgh sports’ teams.

Rumor is that Tyler Kennedy has mono. I know, crazy, right? Wondering how he got it? Yeah, I was too, but I did a bit of research during study hall and lunch and got the full scoop. And just so everyone knows, I did not make out with Ryan Magee after teen center last Friday! That bitch Tiffany will say anything. Alright, here’s the scoop:

It all started when 9th grader Nolan Politowski made out with Tiffany, who had originally gotten mono from around 100 other ugly guys. Nolan then accidentally dropped a rubber band from his braces into Joey Belachik’s milk cartoon.

Joey's dad found a job in Johnstown, moved his family, and Joey became a big fan of the Chiefs. There he met the Hanson boys…

…and shed much blood in the ensuing fight, some of which ended up on captain Reg Dunlop.

Reg, who gets around to a lot of hockey wives and girlfriends, totally hooked up with Vesa Toskala’s girlfriend. On the night of December 1st the Penguins traveled to Toronto to play the Maple Leafs, and lost, even though Tyler had a goal. That goal wasn’t the only scoring Tyler did that night, as he made out with Toskala’s girlfriend behind 31 Flavors later in the evening. After hanging around Gary Roberts for the entire season, Tyler Kennedy's immune system was so strong that the disease was kept at bay until now. Just remember, you didn’t hear it from me.

1 comment:

I Want To Fight Tom Brady said...

That's interesting this Beth chick is writing from Sam's account.... She must be a hacker when she's not working as a gossip reporter.

On a side note, I think I'm going to start writing some material starting this Friday...maybe even a nice LSU piece.