Thursday, August 23, 2007

Fantasy Football 07-08' I'm One of the Baddest Mutha Fuckas of All-Time

If there was an All-Pro fantasy football team, I’d be on it. Following last night’s fantasy football draft, however, they would elect me into the Hall of Fame. Today I bring you the top five reasons why my fantasy football team is better than yours.

5) My team is named “Vick’s Jail Dogs”, in honor of my fantasy QB from last season, Michael Vick. What could be better? Well…If I drafted him for one. I’d be the 0.0001% to own Michael Vick in all fantasy leagues. Instead I took Tarvaris Jackson....balllin!!!!! My fantasy book actually said he was the closest clone of Michael Vick, but then again my fantasy book opens its description of Michael Vick’s with….. “The ‘Ron Mexico’ herpes case.”

If I had it to do over, taking Vick would have been worth the laughs. He could of been my team's mascot........hmmm ......a herpes-infected dog-fighting ex-NFL QB, or Steely McBeam? I know who I would choose.

4) I also unveiled jerseys for my new team, “Vick’s Jail Dogs”. Drawn on the back was a large, bloody number seven. On the front, a bunch of bloody dogs including one dog awaiting his death via hanging. (All pictures were drawn by hand, no actual photographs)

3) I drafted Randy Moss. Moss ranks second to Rick James as one of the badest mutha fucka’s of all time. I mean the man once ran over a cop with his car.

2) I made it rain with last year’s Superbowl winnings….......ok so I didn’t win the Superbowl, but when I do I will make it rain!

1) I drafted Santonio Holmes, Ted Ginn Jr, and Anthony Gonzalez to round out my WR’s. After each Ohio State selection I proceeded to stand up and say “High fives all around!!……I select (Players name)”. By the time I drafted my third Buckeye, I received no high fives and people started to look at me like I was drunk. My lesson for might as well have fun with life….

Go Buckeyes...!!

Here is my entire team for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

Phillip Rivers
Tarvaris Jackson
Willis McGahee
Cedric Benson
Jamal Lewis
Randy Moss
The Starting WR’s for your 2005 Ohio State Buckeyes
Dallas Clark
Greg Olsen
Stephen Gostowski
Josh Scobee
Chicago Bears
Buffalo Bills

p.s. Don't try to draft your school's alumni if you went to one of the following schools:

  1. Carnegie Mellon
  2. Clown College
End of Post


Dave Wannstache said...

Who is Tavarius Jackson? I know Tarvaris Jackson, but not Tavarius? Is that his brother?

Just fuckin with you. As for your team, I hope Santonio Holmes racks up 1500 yards and 15 TD's and Willis McGahee tears his ACL.

I Want To Fight Tom Brady said...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Anonymous said...

worst. team. ever.

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous. All three of your RBs are in exactly the same type of offense. They have no QB to stop the defenses from keying in on them.

Dave Wannstache said...

Nice edit.

tecmo said...

I drafted your mom

I Want To Fight Tom Brady said...

my WR's will take me all the way.