Friday, June 15, 2007

Season Preview: 2007 Cleveland Browns


There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and the Cleveland Browns sucking.

They almost always suck in the regular season. When they manage to make the playoffs, they find ways to suck so bad that no one forgets it (The Drive, The Fumble, The Choke against the Steelers in the 2002 Wild Card game). Hell, they get rewarded for sucking by getting top draft picks, and then they find ways to suck at drafting as well. Let’s take a look at the Browns first round draft choices since their return in 1999, shall we?

1999- Tim Couch, QB
2000- Courtney Brown, DE
2001- Gerard Warren, DT
2002- William Green, RB
2003- Jeff Faine, C
2004- The Soldier, TE
2005- Braylon Edwards, WR
2006- Kamerion Wimbley, LB

That stretch of picks between 1999-2003 is bad. Real bad. That screaming you hear is the sound of Browns fans coming to the realization that their team passed on LaDainian Tomlinson to take Gerard Warren.

With that said, we can safely come to the conclusion that the Browns will suck again this year. Join me as I take you on a journey through the 2007 Cleveland Browns season.


WEEK 1- vs. Pittsburgh

Realizing that the Pittsburgh Steelers aren’t exactly the Navy Midshipmen, rookie quarterback Brady Quinn shits his pants pre-game and is unable to start. Enter Charlie Frye, who, lo and behold, still cannot play quarterback to save his life. Willie Parker runs for 161 yards, as the Steelers win 56-0.


WEEK 2- vs. Cincinnati

History is made as two gay quarterbacks start in the same game for the first time in NFL history. Here’s the evidence (really, it’s just an excuse to run these pictures again):





Carson Palmer “goes long” to T.J. Douchemanzadeh and Ocho Stinko, while Chris Henry searches the stands for minors to serve alcohol to and/or beat up. Bengals win 21-10.


WEEK 5- vs. New England

Rookie CB Eric “Eazy E” Wright likes ecstasy. RB Jamal Lewis likes cocaine. They both want to sell their drugs and they both need the real estate. That’s a problem, as in the week leading up to the game, Wright and Lewis get into a fistfight over the prime drug corner in the Browns locker room. Wright’s busted hand keeps him out of the game, and down a man in the secondary, Randy Moss scores 6 TD’s en route to a 42-7 blowout.


WEEK 10- @ Pittsburgh

Desperate times call for desperate measures. With all their QB’s injured, the Browns sign Tommy Maddox off the street to fill in. The Steelers get the memo, and tell their entire offensive roster to take the day off. Twelve Maddox INT’s run back for touchdowns later, the Steelers win 84-0.

The next day, Maddox blames the bad performance on the gusty winds and claims that Browns fans trashed his lawn.


WEEK 11- @ Baltimore

Brady Quinn is set to make his first start off a knee injury sustained in Week 6 against Miami. The problem? The Ravens are the only team to employ male cheerleaders. That spells doom for the Browns, as Quinn suffers a “fatigued” groin during pre-game warm-ups. Maddox takes the helm again, and plays much better than the previous week against Pittsburgh. The Ravens only manage to get eight INT’s for touchdowns off of a much-improved Maddox, as the Ravens win 77-10.


WEEK 17- vs. San Francisco

At 0-15, the Browns need a win to avoid becoming the first team to go winless in an entire season since the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They’re the Browns, and they suck, so it doesn’t happen. Browns lose 56-14.

At the end of the season, the Browns fire head coach Romeo Crennel. They replace him with Rich Kotite, who went 1-15 in his last coaching stint with the New York Jets. GM Phil Savage explains that Kotite is “the right coach to get us to the next level.”

End of Article

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

man were you wrong about that. Looks like you got no clue about sports.