Friday, June 15, 2007

Matching the Flightless Fowl with Disney's Ducks

Since the Anaheim Mighty Ducks have gained roughly zero media attention in the past week after winning the greatest trophy in sports, I am taking it upon myself to get the Mighty Ducks into a news article.
Actually, its an article on a sports blog.
And the blog is brand new.
And it actually has nothing to do with the Mighty Ducks from Anaheim.
Regardless, today we attempt to compare the 2006-2007 Pittsburgh Penguins and the cast of Mighty Ducks 2. Why only using the sequel? Because it was the best one by far - any hockey movie involving a team from Trinidad and Tobago immediately enters a realm of implausibility and imagination that will surely live on in random blog discussions forever.
So without further ado, an analysis of which Pens players best fit the roles of the players on your 1994 United States World Goodwill Games Mighty Ducks....

Charlie Conway and Mark Recchi

Charlie is the marquee character in the series and is referred to by Gunnar Stahl as "Captain Duck", so the natural connection would be to Sidney Crosby. BUT, would you want Sidney Crosby taking himself out of the championship game so he can serve as a player/coach as Charlie did? I think I'd rather have Recchi pull a "Charlie Conway against Iceland" when we play in the Cup Finals, thank you very much. Recchi could still provide that veteran leadership from the bench, though its doubtful he could draw up as inventive/absurd a play as Charlie does on the bench. "Hey guys! This works all the time in the NBA!"

Adam Banks and Sidney Crosby

Ah, that's more like it for Sid. Both talented play-makers, both play through injuries, and both mocked by those who are envious of their talents. The "cake-eater" and the "whiner/diver" are truly a perfect match.

Fulton Reed and Sergei Gonchar

This pick is solely based on the fact that both have a blistering slapshot. The similarities end there. If I go down a dark alley with the cast of D2, I want Fulton with me. If I go down the alley with the Pittsburgh Penguins, well....let's just say Gonchar might not be my first choice. Although Malkin's jean jacket could possibly double as a bullet proof vest.

Goldberg and Ryan Malone

If Malone keeps up his affinity for some late night suds (he is, after all, called the "Midnight Mayor of the South Side" by Mark Madden), then there is a good chance his body type will resemble Goldberg's within 3 years.

Lester Averman and Maxime Talbot

Talbot is also well-documented as a party-goer, but if you have ever seen him on one of those inside penguins hockey features, you know that he is a total wacko, just like Averman. Both provide comedic relief for their respective teammates, and if you pay close attention to the movie, you'll notice that both players are very streaky face-off takers.

Jesse Hall and Ryan Whitney

You thought I would go Laraque here, didn't you? Well we don't see color here at Doubt About It, we only see two characters always game for a wisecrack (though Jesse is more annoying about it). I'll admit that this one is a stretch, but when Whitney was asked on Madden's radio show about Crosby taking time off to relax and not workout, he scoffed at the idea and said that Crosby is a "lie-abetic, a lie-aholic" and that he was doing push-ups right now as we speak. We imagine that Jesse Hall would also not pass up an opportunity to rip on the cake-eater.

Guy Germaine and Jordan Staal

Without sounding too scandalous, these are two young blondies that can play some great two-way hockey.

Connie Moreau and Michel Ouellet/Jocelyn Thibault

Here we have two Penguins that generally frustrate me, and coincidentally, they each have feminine names. So congratulations Jocelyn and Michel, you get to make out with Jordan Staal at the beginning of next season while mark Recchi skates around Pittsburgh blowing a penguin whistle in an attempt to rally the team to training camp.

Julie "The Cat" Gaffney and Marc-Andre Fleury

If you have ever heard Fleury interviewed, probably can understand why I am comparing him to a female goalie. Actually, "The Cat" is probably tougher and more mature than Marc-Andre, though it is still up for debate as to who has a quicker glove.

Dwayne Robertson and Evgeni Malkin
Robertson's game is predicated on puck-handling through endless defenders without scoring, almost like an AND1 version of hockey. Malkin makes more incredible open ice moves than anyone on the team, and yet so often it seems like that last defender trips him up. And of course, the Russian and the Texan both frequently wear jean jackets.

Russ Tyler and Erik Christiansen

Sorry folks, no Laraque here either. Stop playing the race card! The comparison here is made because of their lethal shots, although it is doubtful that kids are roaming around the U.S. working on the "Christiansen wrister" in the same way that youth hockey was captivated by the "knuckle puck" back in the day. Actually, are ANY kids still roaming around working on hockey skills? And why WAS is called a knuckle puck anyways? Bueller? Bueller?

Luis Mendoza and Colby Armstrong

Luis had blistering speed but couldn't stop, thus smashing his body into the nearest wall, player, or stacked cans of Coke. Colby picks up speed and as opposed to stopping, hurtles his body into the nearest Ottawa Senator.

Ken Wu and Jim Paek

Alright, we occasionally see color here at Doubt About It.

Dean Portman and George Laraque

There's everyone's favorite Penguins enforcer! Portman didn't provide much in the way of offense and neither does Laraque, but they certainly love beating up on people. I can only pray that I am at the game where Laraque pummels some chump in a fight and then dances around the penalty box without a shirt on.

End of Article

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